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I Hate You, Amy Rose

By: Sparky the Seventh Chaos

    S7C: Yes... definitely. Amy is the single most annoying game character ever. Worse that Navi, worse than Tatl, worse than Peach, worse that Ash Ketchum. Okay, maybe not Ash... that's a draw.
   Anyway, I got mad at Amy while playing Sonic Advance (CURSE YOU COSMIC ANGEL ZONE BOSS!) so I thought I'd rant for a bit about how much I hate her... I suppose I should introduce myself... I am known as Sparky the Seventh Chaos. I'm an insane 14-year-old human female... but my alter ego is a powerful Pokemon Trainer who happens to be a dragon... my buddy Buck the Mewtwo usually helps my rant, but I can't find him at the moment... probably went to South America to look for bananas...
   Well, now that you know a bit about me, on with the rant!
   Oh, by the way, I'll be giving spoilers to Sonic Adventure 1 & 2... and I guess Sonic Advance... though I don't know how you can give a spoiler to a game with no plot...
   I was first introduced to Amy in the AWESOME Dreamcast game Sonic Adventure. I hadn't seen my buddy Sonic in awhile, and I was having lots of fun and bouts of nostalgia... when Amy showed up. See, Amy thinks she's Sonic's girlfriend. She isn't. Sonic's scared of her, and frankly I don't blame him... she's creepy... anyhow, my initial reaction was "WHAT?! Where's Sally?!" (Sonic's girlfriend from the original TV. show... curse whoever canceled it... CURSE THEM!) I agreed wholeheartedly with Sonic's comment of "That girl is such a pain..." after I was forced to play three levels and a boss as her... grrrrrrr... for those of you who haven't played Sonic Adventure... Amy's voice samples are worse that Navi. That's right. Worse than "HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!" every time you Z-target. And for those who have... I hate fishing. However, I liked Big the Cat better than Amy. I like the character, kitties are cool, and I enjoyed his theme song. Amy's theme makes me very grateful for the invention of the mute button. It was worth it, though, for the closing image on her game (Muhaha, groceries go bye-bye!) and Super Sonic vs. Perfect Chaos... I LOVE THAT BOSS!
   Now, in Sonic Adventure 2, Amy is non-playable. (YAY!) However, she's still in the game with her over-cheerfulness and stalking of Sonic... poor Sonic. He should get a restraining order. I like those reminder thingies that you get when you quit and restart... in fact, I've seen them all... erm, a glitch with the Dreamcast version made it really hard to get the past-cool theme song "Live and Learn," so I had to play the game through THREE BLOODY TIMES to get it... anyway, I cracked up at Sonic's comment in the one right before Crazy Gadget: "Eggman said he'll trade Amy for the Chaos Emerald... I have to think about that one!" Hehehe... right on, Sonikku...
   I have to admit, though, Amy proved she's good for SOMETHING when she jogged Shadow's memory about Maria's final wish... poor Shadow. That guy has/had problems... HE CHAOS CONTROLLED AT THE LAST SECOND, I TELL YOU!!! ...If that didn't make sense... there's a debate going on about SA2's ending... see, Shadow redeemed himself at the very end by helping Sonic save the world... unfortunately, he fell into the atmosphere... some people say he simply died in a raging fireball of doom... however, in Sonic and Shadow's final levels, if you fall into the atmosphere (space levels, so it's basically a prettier version of the Bottomless Black Pits of Doom) they really DO catch fire and burn up... however Shadow at the end had a green thingie that looked suspiciously like Chaos Control... (Shadow's special ability that Sonic can also do: basically a teleport) I think he survived... besides, Shadow's too cool a character to kill off.  ^_^
    BTM: (Teleport) SHADOW! Sparky talking about Shadow?
    S7C: Hey, Buck... I'm ranting about Amy, actually... I kinda got sidetracked... where the heck were were you?
    BTM: BANANAS! Erm... yeah. I MUST PLAY MELEE NOW! (Goes to game room)
    S7C: Yeah... That was my buddy Buck the Mewtwo. He's nuts, and seems to be hyper right now. He's obsessed with bananas, of all things...
   Anyhow, Where was I? Ah yes. In Sonic Advance, Amy is once again playable. And in order to get the Super Special Super Sonic Ending, you have to beat the game as all four characters: Sonic, Tails, Knuckles... and Amy. And get all the Chaos Emeralds. And may I just say that the Chaos Emerald mini-game in Sonic Advance is THE WORST ONE EVER?! Okay, so it's slightly more fun that the one for the very first Sonic... but that was the very first game ever, so it gets bonus points. Yep, Dr. Robuttnic certainly did it this time... only a mad genius like him could come up with forcing the Sonic Team to snow board through a Swirling Vortex of Doom... I want the one from Sonic 3 back... that one was fun... Erm, back on topic... even without her oh-so-annoying voice, Amy's a real pain in the butt... She can't roll into a ball, she doesn't listen half the time you tell
her to do the Midair Hammer Spinny Thing, and she's slow as... a very slow thing as compared to the other three! STUPID BLOODY COSMIC ANGEL     ZONE BOSS! Grrrrrr...
    S7C: Uh-oh... Well, that's all I really have to say... and I'd better get to Buck before he breaks the Gamecube... so, readers, I hope I frightened you -er- taught you a valuable lesson:
    "He was what he was: a brave and heroic hedgehog..."
    Wait... that's not right...
    "Maria... watch me. I will fulfill your wish!"
    ...ah yes, now I remember!
    I hate Amy Rose and think you should to!
    Thank you, and good night (or good morning, afternoon, evening, whatever... wait, aren't those greetings? Grrrr...)

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