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Kasuto's Ramblings

I know there are iMac users out there who just love their cute little computers. Well, good for you. Go ahead and waste your money. I'm not going to stop you. Just so you know, I have nothing against Power Mac's, they work very well and have a lot of power. I wouldn't buy one, but they're not bad.

iMacs: The Spawns of Satan

      iMacs are soldiers of Satan, plain and simple. They were sent to this world to claim the souls of innocent computer users and curse them to an eternity of eternal damnation. Or maybe iMacs just suck, go ahead and take your pick. When I first heard of the iMac, I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it either. But since my school got a whole bunch of them in the computer lab (or more accurately, got infested with them), I have gained a deep hatred for iMacs. They have done nothing to me except cause trouble. They are the most useless, pitiful excuses for computers ever to plague this earth. They are underpowered, extremely difficult to upgrade, and THEY ARE NOT CUTE!! iMacs are butt-ugly! Anyone who buys a computer because it comes in different colors and it looks pretty should be taken outside and shot. Oh gee, iMacs come in fifty-thousand colors so I guess I'm gonna buy one of each because they're so cute. Anybody who thinks like that does not deserve to have a computer.
      I do have a very good reason for hating iMac's. They are totally unreliable. I have never used an iMac that didn't crash when I started using it. If I open the lousy Internet browser, the whole damn system crashes. This happened to me one day before English class. I had spent days typing a seven-page research paper and I was making a few finishing touches to it. I went to the school's computer lab to finish my paper, one period before it was due. Earlier in the day, I had been in the lab doing some more work on the paper. All the other computers had been taken, so I was forced to use an iMac. Big mistake. Later in the day, I found out that the God-forsaken iMac had corrupted the file on my floppy disk. I was stuck in the computer lab, frantic at this new development. My paper was due in a half-hour, and if it was late, I would be docked a whole letter grade. The only copy of the paper I had was a rough draft, written in my own, barely-legible chicken-scratch. I had to retype the entire paper in thirty-five minutes; I have never typed so fast in my entire life. My adrenaline was pumping so much that I probably could've run a mile in three minutes. Thankfully, I managed to get the paper done, although I was a few minutes late for class. From that day forward, I will never, EVER use an iMac again. I have half a mind to buy one just so I can smash it with a sledgehammer.
      There are other reasons why I hate iMacs. For one, they're just plain ugly. I don't want a computer with fancy curves and translucent colors. I like my beige-box computer. I like a boring, squarish monitor. I like computers that are big, boxy eyesores. Big, boxy tower computers have an advantage over the iMacs: they have room for expansion. I'd like to see you try to stick two extra hard drives into an iMac; it's not gonna happen. And what about other perhipherals? If you want a Zip drive, floppy drive, CD-R, DVD-ROM, or anything else, you have to externally attach it via USB. But with a PC, you could shove all those things inside the computer with room to spare. I like internal drives. I'm very clumsy, and I don't like the idea of accidentally knocking a precariously-placed external hard drive off my desk. Plus, internal drives are cheaper. The iMac doesn't even have a floppy drive! You have to buy the damn thing seperately and attach it! That just sounds stupid to me. When I buy a computer, I would like it to have a floppy drive.
      Another thing I hate about the iMac is its tiny, cramped, piece-of-crap keyboard. I can't type very quickly on a Mac keyboard because my fingers end up mashing the keys next to the one I'm actually trying to press. I bet those iMac keyboards are responsible for a million new cases of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. So if you want a usable keyboard, you have to shell out a hundred bucks for a better one. Talk about a waste of money. The stinkin' keyboard doesn't even have an "end" key, which I use all the time.
      I'm sure the most annoying feature of the iMac is the evil, hockey-puck mouse. That is the worst idea in the history of computing. I hope whoever came up with the hockey-puck mouse got fired. Its mouse is the most uncomfortable thing I have ever used. It is not only not ergonomic, it's painful. My hand hurts after I've used one of those things. I also hate the Mac's one-button mouse idea. One mouse button is simply not enough. I think Windows's idea of the right-click menu was the best idea anyone has ever come up with. The right-click makes finding all of those useful little functions so easy. With a Mac, you have to hold down the button. That's just plain annoying. I don't want to have to hold down the button, I want to right-click. And what about the wheel mouse? I love the wheel mouse. It so convenient to just roll the wheel instead of moving the pointer to the scrool bar. iMacs (or any Mac for that matter) don't have the wheel. Take my advice, if you don't have a wheel mouse, buy one! You will not regret it. Although I haven't used Mac's new "cube" computer, I think its mouse is stupid too. Having a mouse with no button is even dumber than having a hockey-puck mouse with one button.
      Another thing I will complain about is the way an iMac looks. I hate the way iMacs look. They are completely, totally, utterly, grotesquely ugly. They are total eyesores. I cringe every time I walk into my shcool's computer lab and see all those disgusting iMacs. Why woud any sane, intelligent person buy a computer because it looks pretty? I buy computers for raw power. I'm not going to sacrifice power and speed for appearance. I don't care if my computer looks like a beached whale, if it has enough power, I'll buy it. When I buy a computer, appearance is not even a factor. I couldn't care less how it looks. Like I said before, anyone who buys a computer because it looks good should be shot. Brain-dead yuppies shouldn't be using computers and the Internet, they're not welcome here.
      I also hate the Mac operating system in general. In my opinion, it is confusing, unhelpful, and totally useless. Navigating a Mac is like running through a maze. I also hate not having control over my computer. I don't want a computer that's so simple my dog can use it, I like complicated stuff. I like the fact that Windows still uses old-fashioned DOS command lines. I like seeing "c:\directory\subdirectory\" in title bars. The directory structure gives me a feeling as to exactly where my files are. I enjoy clicking through the Windows Explorer. Mac OS's don't give me any control over the operating system. It only gives me dumbed-down menus in idiot-proof control panels. I want to tinker with advanced settings, I love seeing complicated menus with a hundred options that the average user wouldn't understand. You know what I like about Windows? The system registry. It controls every single aspect of the operating system. I get off on browsing through the registry and tweaking the settings. It gives me such a sense of power. I go through the registry and fiddle with things so I can make my family think there's something wrong with the computer when there actually isn't.
      I would just like to conclude by saying that I'm sorry for offending any Mac users. Power Macs are tolerable, and I don't mind using them. But iMacs are evil, and I will curse them for all eternity. So if you use an iMac, I feel sorry for you.

Kasuto of Kataan

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